So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
