1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
