she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
