after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
