WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
false alarm. still invincible.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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