was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
