I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
