how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
