Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
