Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
