How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
