Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
