just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
