don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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