Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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