How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
