i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
