K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
