ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
