My cat gives me a boner
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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