Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
