First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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