At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
