he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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