Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
