we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize