I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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