perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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