His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
