Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
