who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
