I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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