Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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