Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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