im about as happy as oj after his trial
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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