I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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