Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
My dick has a subreddit
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
