Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
