i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
