The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
