i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
