Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
