your parents love me but you hate me
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
