pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Randomize
