My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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