she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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