I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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