My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
