the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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