So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
