no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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