This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
