pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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