Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
