your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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