i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he was CRYING into my vagina
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
