Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
