I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
